The Art of Saying “No” with a Clear Conscience

Most of us were raised in a world where, as children, we often heard “no”: you won’t get that, you’re not allowed to do this, I don’t agree to that, you won’t go there, I won’t buy it for you, there isn’t any. Wanting to be better parents or caregivers – consciously or not – we decided to do things differently. We agree to many things, we let children make decisions about many matters, we give them our time (a lot of time!), until suddenly we say “enough” or simply notice that things are heading in a direction we didn’t intend.

Children pay a price for this situation – above all, they lose the chance to get to know an authentic adult, to confront them, to protect their own boundaries within the relationship. Hearing “yes” too often, a child takes on excessive responsibility for family matters – even something as simple as how the family spends its free time. Saying “no” may be harder, but it’s more constructive for everyone.

There’s also another side to this issue: when it’s the child who says “no” to us. How can we truly hear it, understand what it means, without necessarily giving in? What lies behind a “no,” and how can we say it with a clear conscience, without hurting others? How can we hear a child’s “no” as an important message about who they are – and learn to accept it? These and other topics will be explored during the seminar.

“We often believe that ‘no’ is the opposite of love – that it means rejection, a refusal to show care or interest, and in the child’s case, simple disobedience.
But if we want the relationships in our family to be built on the equal dignity of all people, we must open the door to ‘no,’ to dialogue, and to discussion.
The notion that adults give orders and children obey cannot be reconciled with the idea of equal dignity.
Indeed, the opposite of obedience is disobedience – but what we are looking for is not the opposite, but an alternative to obedience: personal responsibility.”
— Jesper Juul